A customer enters a toy shop.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint. (The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: (pause) I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to register a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this toy what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Air Attack Optimus Primal...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's broken, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's disassembled.
C: Look, matey, I know a broken Transformer when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not broke, he's, he's jus' apart'! Remarkable figure, the Air Attack Primal, idn'it, ay? Beautiful paint aps!
C: The paint don't enter into it. The voice's don' broke.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's needing to be switched on!
C: All right then, if he's off, I'll switch him on! (reaching into the "Try it now" holes of the box) 'Ello, Mister Optimus Primal! I've got a lovely fresh set of batteries in you if you want to start talking...(The left arm falls off in the box.)
O: There, he attacked!
C: No, he didn't, that was the arm just falling off!
C: Yes, it did!
O: No, that was just a part that needs assembly...
C: (yelling and hitting the box repeatedly) 'ELLO MONKEY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (Takes Primal out of the box and stands it up on the counter. Presses the head and chest buttons and the other arm falls off.)
C: Now that's what I call a broken ape.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's glitched!
O: Yeah! You glitched him, just as he was about to speak! Hasbro Maximals glitch easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That transformer is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of function was due to it's batt'ries bein' worn and shagged out following a prolonged nature speech.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for Cybertron.
C: PININ' for CYBERTRON?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall apart into pieces the moment I got 'im home?
O: The Air Attack Optimus prefers keepin' parts about! Remarkable toy, id'nit, squire? Lovely paint ops!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that figure when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been in one piece in the first place was that it had been TIED there. (pause)
O: Well, o'course it was tied there! If I hadn't tied that toy down, it would have rubbed up to the box window, broke it apart with its teeth, and VOOM!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this toy wouldn't "voom" if you duct-taped four dozen bottle rockets to it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This gorilla is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet th' Matrix! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of power, 'e rests in pieces! If you hadn't tied 'im to the box 'e'd be pushing up the plush toys at Good Will! 'Is electronic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the bananna! 'E's flung 'is last turd, 'e's shuffled off 'is technorganic coil, run down to the Oracle and joined the bleedin' Prime choir invisibile!!He's hugging snuffed it! ..... THIS IS AN EX-MAXIMAL!!(pause)
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Primals.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: (pause) I got a SkyByte. (pause)
C: Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A WEBMASTER!
Fred told me to send it to the list, blame him. ];-)|
Sometime I might do more of these, but I think I got it out of my system for now.