DairyCon 2040: Erect and Proud!


By Lewis M. Brooks III

On a deserted back road south of Chicago, Really Old Snake drove the semi Starscream had given him. He spied the clearing where he was supposed to have a meeting. There were some picnic tables and the area was deserted, so he thought he would have lunch while he waited, and pulled the truck over.

He looked around, making sure he was alone, before he opened the rear door of the trailer. The ten thousand mice in back squeaked and squealed. He picked up a box of ten mice and retrieved a bottle of ketchup. Then he pressed a button inside the trailer, and the automatic feeder began feeding the mice.

He sat at a picnic table, removed his faceplate, and opened the box of mice. "Ooh white…my favorite," said Really Old Snake, as he picked up one by the tail and covered it in ketchup. It squeaked as he opened his mouth, tossed it in and swallowed it whole. "Delicsssioussss."

Really Old Snake heard a sound above him as he ate. It was a sound he recognized, that of a Transformer in flight. But that's not all he heard.

"Please, Megatron!" he heard Starscream begging. "I said I was sorry! I didn't mean to! Please take it out! It's been almost a whole day!"

Really Old Snake looked up to see Megatron above him, flying south, with the barrel of his fusion cannon implanted in Starscream's tailpipe. Starscream hung limply upside down as he begged. "Ouch…that lookssss like it hurtssss," said Really Old Snake. "Pity. He hassss ssssuch a nicssse voicssse."

"Shut up Starscream…or I'll pull the trigger," growled Megatron. "We'll see if you can come back as a ghost after that."

Really Old Snake went back to eating his lunch. As they flew away, his phone rang. He put it on speaker and went back to eating his lunch. "Thissss issss Really Old Ssssnake," he said as he downed another mouse.

"Something's gone wrong," came Bombshell's panicked voice. "You said the virus would work!"

"You mean…it didn't?" asked Really Old Snake faking surprise with practiced skill.

"No!" yelled Bombshell. "It didn't! They elected some bot named Erector. Megatron is on his way back here now…he's going to kill me! He'll melt me down to make a playhouse for his My Little Ponies!"

"I really don't know how that could have happened," said Really Old Snake. "Unlessss of coursssse ssssomeone elsssse planted a virussss. My ssssincerest apologiessss. Of coursssse, there are no refundssss."

"Do you know how much I spent on those gerbils!" yelled Bombshell. "Not to mention the hot sauce!"

"Ssssorry," said Really Old Snake, thinking about getting home for dinner. He hung up his phone and blocked the number, then brought up his MP3 player. "Maybe a little DJTapeDeck. He isss sssso awessssome."

Really Old Snake continued to eat his lunch for a while, then quickly replaced his faceplate when he heard his appointment drive up and transform.

"Greetingssss, Optimussss," said Really Old Snake as he went and met Optimus by the side of the road. "Do you have the item we agreed upon?"

Optimus Prime eyed Really Old Snake suspiciously. "Yeah, I have it," he said. "I had to drive all night to get to Washington and back…but you kept your word."

"Megatron flew over a while ago," said Really Old Snake. "Judging by Sssstarsssscream'ssss condition, I'd ssssay he ssssusssspectssss nothing."

"Yeah, he bought my 'I don't trust you' act," said Optimus. "I mean…I really don't trust him, but since I knew he wasn't planning anything, I had to be careful not to give myself away. Anyway, you held up your end of the bargain. I thought I'd kept this a secret. I don't even want to know how you knew I had it. Here ya go."

Optimus handed Really Old Snake a small box. The old terrorist quickly opened the box and removed its contents. He looked at his prize. "Oh, I've ssssearched for thisss for sssso long," he said. "The famed DairyCon 2012 exsssclussssive issss mine at lasssst. I'm ssssurprissssed you were willing to part with it. I wassss hoping, but I thought it wassss a long sssshot."

"Well…I can always get another one," said Optimus. "When you're Autobot leader, the world Government pays really well. Plus I have all the residuals and licensing income for the movies, cartoons, and toys. I'm noble, but not stupid. I just hope I don't have to buy it from that guy in Texas."

"Jusssst out of curioussssity…when I contacted you, I assssumed you would jusssst have me ssssabotage the virussssessss," said Really Old Snake. "Who issss thissss Erector anyway?"

If he had a mouth, he would have smiled. "He's nobody," said Optimus. "At least, that's what he'd tell you."

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